In 2006, the term polyamory (“many loves”) entered the Oxford English Dictionary.
Polyamory is the philosophy or state of being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.
The focus is more on intimacy than sex, and polyamorous relationships, being romantic, do not have to be sexual.
Polyamory in context
The opposite of polyamory is monogamy, which is very rare among animals. Among humans, monogamy emerged relatively recently, largely for political and economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
As well as being the natural state of humanity, polyamory has long been recognised as an alternative lifestyle in gay subculture, and is becoming increasingly mainstream, driven by feminism, gay emancipation and the fragmentation of families and communities.
When it is a significant part of someone's identity, polyamory is more of an orientation than a choice or lifestyle, leading to calls for legal recognition and protection for at least some forms of polyamorous relationships.
Forms of polyamory
Polyamorous relationships can take many forms. They can, for example, be threesomes, or foursomes, perhaps one partner with another.
Polyfidelity refers to a closed, polyamorous relationship in which the parties agree to restrict each other, rather than taking lovers from outside.
In some cases, there may be a primary partner with one or more secondary partners who may be more distant or casual, although this does not necessarily mean they are less loved.
In other cases, one partner may have, or want, outside relationships, while the other may be content with the primary relationship.
The possibilities and permutations are endless.
Partners in a couple who are not also partners of one are referred to in slang as “metamours,” and it is in the spirit of polyamory that they are treated with courtesy and respect, as friends and not rivals.
What is NOT polyamory?
Polyamory is not the same as polygamy, which, unlike polyamory, is culturally sanctioned and codified, and typically takes the form of polygyny—that is, polygamy in which a man has more than one wife.
Polyamory is not cheating, or free love, since the focus is on intimacy and building the relationship, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. In fact, while some people see their polyamory as an identity or orientation, others see it more in terms of an ethical alternative to infidelity. Despite its ethical dimensions, polyamory is more stigmatized than cheating. But sex, if it were the true object of polyamory, could be more easily obtained by other means.
Finally, polyamory does not equate to bisexuality, which is not a prerequisite and need not be implied. Some forms of polyamory may involve three or more people in bed together, but other forms do not.
Advantages of polyamory
Polyamory is less limiting. It allows for rewarding relationships with more than one person, without the need to leave one relationship for another, or give up potentially rewarding relationships.
Love is not finite like money or time, but grows in giving: loving more than one person is not necessarily loving each person less, just as loving two children is not necessarily loving each child less.
Polyamory recognizes that some people's relational needs are better met by more than one person, and conversely, it alleviates the pressure of having to meet all of another person's needs. By creating more space around a relationship, you can breathe new love and new life into the relationship.
Because polyamory is non-exclusive, existing relationships and friendships are less likely to be abandoned in favor of a single person, leading to a larger, stronger social network with more resources, skills, and perspectives to draw on.
Unlike serial monogamy, there is less incentive to write off a relationship, and by extension a part of our story, of who we are, simply because a more exciting or convenient one has come along.